...And My Interview with God
[Transcript of a LIVE report from Tampa, FL. John Mill is the radio voice of Ronald Bruce Meyer. This transcript is courtesy of the "American Heathen" Internet radio show which aired on Saturday, 8/25/12 on Shocknet Radio. The interviewer is "American Heathen" creator and host RJ Evans.]
RJ: ... We have our own John Mill LIVE in Tampa, Florida, at the site of the Republican National Convention. John, I hear Hurricane Isaac is bearing down on Tampa from south of Florida. How does it look from where you're standing?
JM: Hello, RJ and everybody! We've got wind and rain as you would expect. But nothing too terrible. However, the Tampa area is known to flood during hurricanes, so Governor Rick Scott has taken the precaution of issuing a state of emergency.
As you all know, The convention begins Monday 8/27. The GOP convention website invites followers to their online “Convention Without Walls,” which may be literally true after Hurricane Isaac passes through the Tampa Bay Times Forum here on Channelside Drive. The convention will host 2,286 delegates and 2,125 alternate delegates from all 50 states, the District of Columbia and five (terrorists) territories. Sorry. The convention will also include approximately 15,000 credentialed media.
A multitude of speakers is scheduled, including Florida Governor Rick Scott, former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee, former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum (yuck – sorry – just got some kind of frothy mix on my pants!), as well as Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal, Florida Senator Marco Rubio, keynote speaker New Jersey Governor Chris Christie and, of course, presumptive VP nominee Paul Ryan and presumptive Presidential nominee Mitt Romney. All these people have been invited to a state famous for its electile dysfunction.
RJ, as you all know, God is also on the Republican guest list, although he declined to give the keynote. But I was able to track him down and, believe it or not, I scored an interview!
RJ: An interview with God. That's fantastic. How did he look?
JM: Well, for somebody who's 6,000 years old, he looked very good.
RJ: No, I mean, what did he look like?
JM: Like an old Jewish man: short, glasses, fisherman's cap -- kind of like George Burns in "Oh God" if you remember that movie. He said he was trying to fit in with the Florida demographic.
RJ: But, wait, John. The Florida demographic skews toward Cuban ex-patriots...
JM: Yeah, I mentioned that. He said he tried that once but the Florida immigration authorities gave him such trouble! They asked to see his long form birth certificate and, when he mentioned that he has many children here, they immediately assumed he was going to drop another anchor baby!
RJ: I can see that. Did you ask why he was invited and not Jesus?
JM: Yes, Jesus was on the guest list, but God explained that Jesus is busy blessing sports contests on the East Coast.
RJ: Yeah that would keep him pretty busy. So you got an exclusive interview with God. That's pretty good for an atheist. How did God justify that?
JM: Well he told me that he was tired of his priests here on earth, and I'm quoting now, "making shit up." There was however one stipulation: I couldn't ask any questions about Todd Akins or "legitimate rape."
RJ: I understand. Did you ask why he's sending a hurricane at the Republican convention? I mean, the Christian Nationalist Party is pretty much God's party, right?
JM: Absolutely right, RJ. And God said that hurricanes definitely ARE caused by gay marriage ... among other things. And the Republicans simply are not trying hard enough.
RJ: The CNP is not being mean ENOUGH to gay people?
JM: Exactly. But not just to gay people. The Republicans have also shown lackluster performance in keeping poor people and minorities away from voting in the upcoming election. God says voter ID laws are a good start, but to show God they're really serious (and to stay in God's good graces), the CNP has to work harder in Congress at obstructing jobs programs and extended unemployment benefits so people can't AFFORD to vote. And that's just the beginning!
RJ: You mean there's more God requires of the CNP?
JM: Hell, yes! Letting poor people and minorities vote is like handing out burglary tools to criminals. They'll just vote for more welfare. God says he hates welfare for the poor. Instead, he loves welfare for rich people: like defense contracts and Wall Street bailouts, tax breaks for the upper class paid for by cuts to the social safety net, and of course deregulation of industry so they can pay their workers less, spoil the environment and poison the food supply.
RJ: That sounds pretty heartless.
JM: To you and me, yes. But God says his ways are not our ways. And God’s challenges don’t end there: God says he wants the Republicans to take back America – but to do it without the votes of black people, or brown people, or swarthy people or even a majority of people with ovaries. Remember, the Republicans are sucking up to God big time because they see Obama as a kind of foreign-born Muslim anti-Christ and this election as a harbinger of the End Times.
RJ: So Hurricane Isaac is just God's way of keeping the Republicans on course?
JM: Yes. And God reminded me that Isaac is the name of one of the Old Testament Hebrew patriarchs. When Isaac was a child, God commanded Isaac’s father Abraham to sacrifice his son, then changed his mind and said don't sacrifice Isaac. So God told me in the interview that if the Republican platform is mean enough, and if they pray hard enough, God will make hurricane Isaac change course.
RJ: That was some interview! But it looks like Isaac is going to hit Tampa, anyway.
JM: Yeah, that sucks for the Republicans. But remember, according to CNP theology, you have to believe in a higher power to have values and morality, right?
JM: Well, God doesn't believe in a higher power! Kind of leaves things wide open for him, doesn't it?
RJ: Right! Thank you, John Mill. John Mill, everybody, reporting live from Tampa, Florida, ahead of the Republican National Convention -- and fresh from and interview with God. You heard it here on "American Heathen"!
Note: You can hear the live audio from "American Heathen" at this link: RNC and God
"Hood an ass with reverend purple," wrote Jonson, "so you can hide his two ambitious ears, and he shall pass for a cathedral doctor."